Please understand that at this point, I am still numb. My mother died between 8 am and 11 am PST. Yes, it is natural for children to bury their parents, but I have lost both of mine at young ages (54 & 65). There is no discernible cause of death.
By my belief system (Pagan) , my mother is now in the Summerlands where she will examine her Akashic Records and her life before being reincarnated By my belief system, death is but the next step in an eternal journey. That does little to help those left behind. I am riddled with questions:
- did she suffer
- did she know she was my entire universe
- is there something I could have done
- what do I do now…
While there are a million practical details to sort out, I find myself not yet up to the task. I also find myself unable to find beauty in this death. Right now, above all things, I want the one person whom I have always turned to with my troubles and my broken hearts.
I want my mommy.
Depending on one’s beliefs, the true beauty in death is the end of suffering. While anyone who knows me, knows that I have always been one to find the macabre and dark themes beautiful, I have more personal reasons to do so now.
At approximately 1 am, on the 24th day of March, my Grandmother passed from this world into another. Her beliefs were vastly different than mine – but even by her own standards, she had no reason to fear death. On the contrary, life had become a cumbersome burden of pain and morphine. She could not speak, could not breathe, and was in no way herself. I was with her the day before she died and was lucky enough to have said goodbye. She was coherent – though she could not speak… a fact that almost made it worse. Still, mourning is not for the spirit of the dead as much as for the living left behind. My last words to a grandmother that I was very close to were “I love you” and she squeezed my hands. While many in my family are left crushed by this tragedy – I am at peace. She is at peace and her well being is more important than my own.
Still… it is odd to think that I live in a world that does not still hold her in it.