Dieu merci, je suis joli…


Thank God I’m Pretty by Emilie Autumn

Thank God I’m pretty.

The occasional free drink I never asked for.

The occasional admission to a seedy little bar.

Invitation to a stranger’s car.

I’m blessed

with the ability to rend a grown man tongue-tied.

Which only means that when it’s dark outside,

I have to run and hide, can’t look behind me.

Thank God I’m pretty.

Thank God I’m pretty.

Every skill I ever have will be in question.

Every ill that I must suffer merely brought on by myself.

Though the cops would come for someone else,

I’m blessed.

I’m truly privileged to look this good without clothes on,

which only means that when I sing you’re jerking off

and when I’m gone you won’t remember.

Thank God I’m pretty.

Thank you God

Oh, lord

Thank you God

Oh, oh and when a gaggle of faces appears around me

it’s lucky I hate to be taken seriously.

I think my ego would fall right through the cracks in the floor

if I couldn’t count on men to slap my ass anymore.

I know my destiny’s such, that I’m all stocking and curl

so everybody thinks that I’m a fucking suicide girl.

Thank you God

For the occasional champagne I never asked for.

The occasional admission to a seedy little bar.

Invitation to a stranger’s car.

I’m blessed

with the ability to rend a grown man tongue-tied

which only means that when it’s dark outside

I have to run and hide, can’t look behind me.

Thank God I’m pretty.

Thank God.

Thank God.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you God!

      Is it a song, or is it a feminist anthem?  Feminism… such a word.  It has gone through waves, been loved, hated, thanked, and blamed and very few men or women even know what it is anymore.  To that end, here is what


    means to me.

    • Feminism is equality.  It is the freedom to choose… that choice may take me to the workplace where I demand every ounce of respect and pay that my male counterparts get.  It may take me to the workplace of the home where I work twice as hard for no pay and half the thanks… but it is my choice.  I do not expect to be judged or told that I am damaging the rights of women everywhere if I choose to be a stay at home mother, nor do I expect to be condemned as a freak of nature if I choose not to have children at all.  For the longest time, feminism seemed to mean living like a man – only with twice the responsibilities.  Feminism meant the right to go to work, come home, take care of the kids, get dinner on the table by five, keep yourself pretty, and make sure your husband got laid at night because if he decided to screw his secretary – that was your fault not his.  Bollocks.  Feminism is earning the right to be a WOMAN.
    • There is a lot going on right now about how girls are labeled with negative things like “bitchy” or “bossy” for showing the same characteristics that boys are praised for.  A woman in the work force has to tap dance her way around men’s precious egos in order to succeed.  While I think FaceBook to be basically evil – their COO has a wonderful book out about this subject – empowering women to develop leadership skills without being ashamed of it.  Look at our politics arena – what do we ask of our women – that they dress right, that we like their hair, that they are attractive… the entire inaugural coverage this year was about Michelle Obama‘s bangs for Christ’s sake!  This is an incredibly capable woman, a lawyer in her own right, and brought as much political power to the table in Chicago as her husband did.  Now we are worried about her bangs?  We are concerned about Hillary Clinton’s pantsuit.  No matter how much I dislike the nutter… we have a fit because the RNC spent a fortune on Sarah Palin‘s wardrobe – yet you know damn well that had they not, the news would have been all over her clothes and her lack of polish and how THAT meant that she was not ready for the White House (forgetting totally that she’s a damn moron).  We want a woman to be president?  Then how about treating them like actual candidates with actual ideas.  How about vetting them seriously and looking at more than their haircuts and clothes?  Let’s not devalue women in the workplace for having leadership skills that would be rewarded in any man.  That is feminism and that is equality.  More women are graduating college.  More women are entering corporate level jobs.  More women are reaching positions of power… and let’s face it – the men have had quite a run of things and I’m not impressed.
    • Finally – yes, the song had a point.  Beauty does not equal idiocy or ineptitude.  Feminism does not mean that you can’t wear lipstick or a bra.  Personally – I like sexy clothes.  There is nothing wrong with looking like a suicide girl except for the fact that you are instantly dismissed by the masses as some empty headed, drug addled, flake.  Well guess what folks – this stocking and curl girl has an IQ that puts her in MENSA.  She has three undergrad degrees, one doctorate, and is working on more.  She teaches college and coaches speech and debate – all that with tattoos, pink hair, piercings, and a rather macabre and gothic sense of style.  OMG brains and an alternative style – say it isn’t so.  Thank God I’m pretty – because I love to rub it in every asshat’s face who deciders to underestimate me.  So next time a woman asserts her opinion, don’t call her a bitch or think she’s unnatural – listen to her.  Next time you see some crazy hot chick – don’t automatically assume she has bleach for brains because she might just be smarter than you.  That, boys, is feminism.
    • P.S. I fight like a girl ❤

La mort de principes



Bombings in Boston – Gun Control – Health care – Gridlock – GITMO – Corporations = People – Gay Marriage Rights… there is so much going on in our political system and yet it seems that, as “We the People” we have forgotten a few things.


  • Love it or hate it – this country is founded on some pretty basic principles. One of the most basic of which is that said principles apply to EVERYONE. From a practical perspective, what does that mean?


  • 14th Amendment = the Right to Marriage Act is unconstitutional as it is discriminatory.
  • 1st Amendment = the right to say and express what you like and hate about this government. For all you conservatives out there that keep telling the liberals to shut up and move to France (thank you Áine Snow) you might want to consider that the very forum you are using to scream and shout would not exist without the liberal mindset that you are so against. It also means that, while I come from a military family and find the burning of the American Flag to be a horrible thing, by brother – career Navy – is the first to say that his friends fought and died not only to protect that flag, but to protect the right to burn it.
  • Due Process = this does not just apply to people we like or people that do little things. It applies to everyone. All have the right to representation – and this is an idea that goes all the way back to the *gasp* Boston Massacre (which was not a massacre at all if you know your history) when a very brave lawyer stood up to defend the soldiers being accused. These soldiers were enemies of the state… yet they were afforded fair trial and due process of law because there was a strong belief that one could not found a country on principles that it did not follow.  Now we wire tap without warrants, have unmanned drones spying on our own people, have detained people on foreign soil without following the Geneva Convention or declaring the Prisoners of War but rather Enemy Combatants allowing “us” to do whatever “we” wish to them, and now even detain US citizens on US soil under the same lack of protection – even going so far as to allow the CIA (an organization formerly not allowed to work within US borders) to extract &/or kill US citizens seen as threats with absolutely no process at all.  This goes so far against the principles we were founded on that I do not even recognize this country.  I can say that, should the founding father’s get a good look – they would say that their experiment in democracy had failed.


  • Now – I have much to say about how far we have skewed from those principles and whether or not the Constitution even applies in many cases (I will not even start on the 2nd amendment and its gross misinterpretation) as much of the constitution was made null and void at the end of the Civil War. However, living document or no… the Constitution and the Bill of Rights are based on PRINCIPLES that can easily be applied to policy no matter the changes in society that were unforeseen when they were written. Do you think the founding fathers were unfamiliar with terrorism? The Revolution and the war of 1812 were both won by the use of terrorism and guerrilla tactics that completely ignored the prior ‘civilized’ rules of engagement. Yet their principles remained intact. What happened to ours?

esthétique gothique


Heart of Nails

Jasmine Becket-Griffith aka strangeling

Many ask me, what is Goth?

It would seem like this would have a very complicated answer, as it is interpreted differently by everyone who identifies with this moniker and it has changed in many ways over the years.  Yet there are both common misconceptions, and a base truth that ultimately defines Goth.

  • Goth has nothing to do with religion or the worship of Satan.  

While many people who identify with the Gothic culture embrace different religions such as various forms of paganism and even satanism (which ironically does not worship or involve Satan)… it would be inaccurate to say that this has anything to do with being Goth.  It is more a matter of those who have a predilection towards being attracted to the Gothic lifestyle also have a predilection to looking outside conventional religion.

  • Goth does not always show from the outside.

While the Gothic aesthetic tends towards dark colors, Victorian styles, a certain taste for beauty, et al… it is not the clothes that make the Goth.  Many can dress themselves in what they think are Gothic clothes and not have the first notion about what they are representing.  Others (myself included) can be dressed in Wranglers and a t-shirt and be Goth to the bone.

  • Goth is:

At the very heart of it, Goth is very simple.  It is an ideology.  Goth is an appreciation for the beauty of the macabre.  It is an understanding that death and decay have their own unique elegance.  How that is interpreted is up to the individual – in a perfect world, it should not be an elitist society.  I have never believed in the idea that “I am more goth than you.”  And yet, I find myself disturbed by the way it has been abused and taken out of context over the years.  The gothic aesthetic is about beauty and it is far from skin deep.

So my friends… that is Goth.

mon madonna ❦ poème et peinture


Madonna With The Infant Christ And St John The Baptist 1540

Domenico Beccafumi


My Madonna


I haled me a woman from the street,
   Shameless, but, oh, so fair!
I bade her sit in the model’s seat
   And I painted her sitting there.
I hid all trace of her heart unclean;
   I painted a babe at her breast;
I painted her as she might have been
   If the Worst had been the Best.
She laughed at my picture and went away.
   Then came, with a knowing nod,
A connoisseur, and I heard him say;
   “’Tis Mary, the Mother of God.”
So I painted a halo round her hair,
   And I sold her and took my fee,
And she hangs in the church of Saint Hillaire,
   Where you and all may see.

vers le haut ou vers le bas – à la fois


Four Loko (aka – and other really bad ideas)

Okay – maybe it means that I am getting better or worse – but a bit of lighter reading this time around folks.

  • Did you know that (especially when you are depressed & already prone to insomnia) mixing depressants and stimulants is a really bad idea?

I pretty much did already.  So not going to lie right now.  I am a woman of exceptional IQ – as evidenced by my ability to even type right now – and professional occupation with very bad personal habits.  I do not eat, I do not sleep, & I have been medicated by necessity for crazy chronic pain issues for – oh 14 years now.  We are talking major broken bones of the back variety – no playing games.  This is when my grandmother hasn’t finally died of her own suffering and my mother hasn’t died suddenly – shockingly – and completely… yea.

So… that said, I have really not been sleeping lately.  Medication has gone up on Dr.s orders bc of current events.  I do drink.  Maybe this is a good sign, because as I walked into my kitchen at midnight to make a drink – which I am still drinking which says a certain degree about how good of a sign it can be – I realized that part of my problem is possibly that I drink prob 2 pots of Cuban -> Turkish roast coffee with about two shots of rum per cup.  SO a 12 cup pot – which is really 6 cups – maybe I only go through 1 or 1.5 pots a day.  Still.

  • Answer to above ?  Everybody.  They have made the selling of drinks in the US with alcohol and caffeine illegal.  Many bars no longer sell vodka/red bull for the same reason after litigation.  Yet here I am at midnight watching my roku (I refuse to do cable tv when most of what I watch isn’t even aired in the US) and drinking something that is really stupid.  Is it good that I realize that… don’t know.  The hubby goes back to work tomorrow.  Some day I must resume life as I know it.  My grandmother’s services are this coming weekend and siblings are butting into mother’s affairs when they never bothered to care whether she lived or died in life (smelling grammy’s money asks the cynic – why yes).  Perhaps key in all of this is instead of waxing morose of philosophic and cushioning myself in complete indulgent numbness – a thaw is coming.

Bloody hell.  I am not going to enjoy what is to come, but it must.  I also must pop off to the store come tomorrow to get something else to drink with my rum and some curry ingredients because I would sell my soul for some and there is not ONE Indian place in this entire <b>county</b>.

phoenix of stone / phoenix di pietra / phoenix de piatră

phoenix of stone / phoenix di pietra / phoenix de piatră is easily the truest expression of a fundamental flaw in human communication.

I am a wordy person – my blog makes this clear – yet I almost hate to add to it because it is stripped down to a certain beauty.  I will say only this.  We base ALL communication on an assumption of mutually agreed upon meanings and understandings.  More often than not, these assumptions are false, and increasingly often – especially in or technological world (no I am not on Facebook) – we are allowing these meanings to be created for us leaving even less truly understood.


le suicide c’est l’espoir de ceux qui n’en n’ont plus


  • I first feel the need to establish that I feel like we have the inalienable right to kill ourselves, as held up by the constitution.  At the point that Roe v Wade was passed on the premise that a woman could have an abortion because she had ultimate control over her body – I extend that argument to suggest that we all have ultimate control over our bodies.  If a woman can terminate the life of a fetus living inside of her, an individual should certainly have the right to terminate their own life.
  • This argument exists completely outside of religious dogma.  Every person has free will (or should) and will make such decisions based on a wide variety of factors – religious doctrine being a factor for many. This is not an argument FOR suicide as much as it is an argument for the legitimacy of suicide as a personal choice.
  • I have struggled with severe depression for some time now.  It has gotten worse and worse.  In the past year, I have had three major suicide attempts that would have succeeded if not for the intervention of the hospital – going directly against my properly filed DNR I might add.  Talk of suicide is often a cry for attention – but sometimes it is the logical solution to a person who has nothing left.
  • Because of the effect my determination to end my life was having on those around me – I made the choice to stay alive.  Let me be clear… this has been a CHOICE.  There are few mornings that I don’t wake up wishing that I haven’t and then proceeding to make the active choice to NOT kill myself.  This is not easy.  Some days are better than others, but on balance, I think it is fair to say that I would rather be dead.
  • So here we are.  I have SEVERE health issues.  I suffer from chronic pain.  My quality of life is mediocre on my best days.  Conversely – I have lived an awesome life in my 38 years. I have managed to do things that most people only dream of.  I am HAPPY with the life that I have lived.  What I am unhappy with is the pain and the suffering and the inability to do so much of what I love to do.
  • Now my mother is dead.  She was my person.  She was the one person that I always went to and could always count on.  I am finding it near on impossible to imagine waking up in the morning to a world that does not have her in it.  I find it hard to imagine that she is not down the hall – that David does not need to get her dinner ready.  I cannot do this.  She is my person.  My father is dead.  My grandmother just died.  I have one grandmother left in Oklahoma.  I am an orphan, and I am alone.  Part of me wants to curl up and go to sleep… but I would only wake to find her gone still.  How long can that cycle continue?  I see nothing to life for.
  • Much better to sleep without waking than to wake every morning to the fresh nightmare of being alone in this world.