le suicide c’est l’espoir de ceux qui n’en n’ont plus

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  • I first feel the need to establish that I feel like we have the inalienable right to kill ourselves, as held up by the constitution.  At the point that Roe v Wade was passed on the premise that a woman could have an abortion because she had ultimate control over her body – I extend that argument to suggest that we all have ultimate control over our bodies.  If a woman can terminate the life of a fetus living inside of her, an individual should certainly have the right to terminate their own life.
  • This argument exists completely outside of religious dogma.  Every person has free will (or should) and will make such decisions based on a wide variety of factors – religious doctrine being a factor for many. This is not an argument FOR suicide as much as it is an argument for the legitimacy of suicide as a personal choice.
  • I have struggled with severe depression for some time now.  It has gotten worse and worse.  In the past year, I have had three major suicide attempts that would have succeeded if not for the intervention of the hospital – going directly against my properly filed DNR I might add.  Talk of suicide is often a cry for attention – but sometimes it is the logical solution to a person who has nothing left.
  • Because of the effect my determination to end my life was having on those around me – I made the choice to stay alive.  Let me be clear… this has been a CHOICE.  There are few mornings that I don’t wake up wishing that I haven’t and then proceeding to make the active choice to NOT kill myself.  This is not easy.  Some days are better than others, but on balance, I think it is fair to say that I would rather be dead.
  • So here we are.  I have SEVERE health issues.  I suffer from chronic pain.  My quality of life is mediocre on my best days.  Conversely – I have lived an awesome life in my 38 years. I have managed to do things that most people only dream of.  I am HAPPY with the life that I have lived.  What I am unhappy with is the pain and the suffering and the inability to do so much of what I love to do.
  • Now my mother is dead.  She was my person.  She was the one person that I always went to and could always count on.  I am finding it near on impossible to imagine waking up in the morning to a world that does not have her in it.  I find it hard to imagine that she is not down the hall – that David does not need to get her dinner ready.  I cannot do this.  She is my person.  My father is dead.  My grandmother just died.  I have one grandmother left in Oklahoma.  I am an orphan, and I am alone.  Part of me wants to curl up and go to sleep… but I would only wake to find her gone still.  How long can that cycle continue?  I see nothing to life for.
  • Much better to sleep without waking than to wake every morning to the fresh nightmare of being alone in this world.
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